Quiet Contemplation Along The Path to Self-Discovery

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The Fool’s Journey

Here I am, trying to create something meaningful from the chaotic void. It’s fitting I return to writing this blog on April 1st, April Fool’s Day. I’ve come to realize in this life, whether I’ve meant to or not, I’ve played the fool quite often. I think we all do more than we care to admit. It’s not always a bad thing. Being foolish can somehow also be clever.

We believe what we want to in order to maintain an even-keel, a reason to keep going. In the Major Arcana cards of the Tarot, the fool represents adventures, spontaneity, and new horizons. It’s the very first card, leading the way into the unknown toward whatever is to come – with an almost blind faith that the road will bring about something spectacular. I’m learning quickly that mindset may not be so bad to have while navigating through life.

It certainly beats the alternative.

A cynic could be considered the opposite of the fool. A cynic scoffs and is the first to shout out, “Fool!” in a demeaning way that elicits shame and guilt. A cynic sees no adventure, no new horizons. So, maybe the key is to put more stock into our innate foolishness. To encourage within ourselves an innocence and an earnestness that keeps us from becoming a cynic. This past month, I’ve waivered back and forth between the two sides as if my soul was unsure which fate it preferred.

Yet, with the help of my wonderful, supportive mother and a new beagle puppy I’ve adopted, I’ve become acutely aware which path I prefer. I’m going to continue what’s in my nature and embrace the fool’s journey. That way, I’ll learn to see my fumbles as pathways to strength, my errors in judgement as lessons to bring wisdom. And that by doing so, I’ll beat back the cynic and become unafraid of the path stretched out before me. For there is such a thing as a wise and brave fool.

More to come.

When All is Said and Done

Everything will change. There may in fact be nothing as constant. There’s no stopping it. We are all at the whims of a great unfurling for which we must surrender. The universe will shift and shake, and stir-up that which had just become still and settled. It can be a painful inconvenience or even a violently unsettling, harsh reality. Comfort, quiet, calm; none of these are long-lasting or permanent, despite our best efforts.

For the past several months I have been plagued by unwanted changes, as though some unholy entity rose from the shadows and decided – it was time. Dramatic? Sure! But that’s the nature of these beasts. In a matter of months everything I ever thought I knew about myself, others, and the world at large was shattered. Piece by piece, all parts of my life were tragically disassembled. A peaceful existence formed by love and good intentions soon mutated into a maelstrom which wreaked havoc on the shores of what we had built together. Comfort and safety did not withstand complacency or resentment. Patience and kindness waned, until there was nothing left but loss and confusion.

Now in the last hours of that life, all the conflict has subsided. There is nothing left but the original, simple – true love, which I’ve learned may change forms but nevertheless endures. Dinner felt like it was five years prior. Like nothing bad had ever happened. We laughed and joked and teased like the real family we once were. But tonights dinner was indeed different. A silent exchange of glances was made that signaled the end of everything we knew, of everything familiar we shared. It was over. It had been in the making for months. The dates were set in stone last fall. But we never thought the moment would be real until that glance was finally made.

The night before, I had broken down as I locked the door for us and turned out the lights – my last valiant act of protection I’d ever bestow upon what we had together.

Tomorrow when the sun rises, I will walk away from our home for the last time. The beautiful palace of a home, once meticulously curated to be as comfortable and inviting as possible. Where we provided everything we could and more for each other, yet in retrospect both seemed to undervalue the true worth of each others actions. We seemed to miss the mark on the future we had hoped for. We had every opportunity and still squandered something that’s now painfully beautiful to remember. But, its too late now. There’s no use looking back.

A new home and a new life await me. Distant from the maddening city and nestled deep in the mountains. A humble little place to call my own, with little expectations and hopefully no resentments or complacency. That I can somehow fill this one with more love and acceptance than the one before is my only hope. Where to begin? Practicing self-love and self-acceptance seems like a good place to start. I want to heal and find peace. It’s imperative I do. If I can use this new time and place to the fullest, there’s no telling what wonderful changes the future will bring.